edit the essay according to the professor instruction

The instruction I got from my professor is below

Nebel,

Direct questions like this don’t really work as titles. Consider revising to a statement reflecting your stance on the topic.

I would not open the essay with this quote. Before using such a statement, you need to provide some more general context for the issue.

I’m having a difficult time following your argument, mainly because you do not do enough at the beginning of the essay to explain what is at stake in this situation you are describing. I would define encryption back doors and explain exactly how these relate to government and law enforcement. If you do that the rest of the essay may be more easily understood.

Page three of your essay works better.

Your paragraph asserting that security agencies are exaggerating the problem could use more development. You say that “the challenges that come with it are too numerous and not worth the minimal benefits” without naming these problems or saying why the benefits do not outweigh the costs.

Your conclusion also needs to be expanded.